How is Your Heart?

"How is your heart?" is a phrase I’ve always liked to use to start conversation with a good friend over a cup of coffee or tea or a dark beer. It’s also the question I like to ask myself when I get that chance to sit down with my journal. "How are you?" just doesn’t seem to cut it for me in a culture of quick answers and putting on a good face.

"How’s your heart" requires you to dig a little deeper and explore the condition of your heart toward yourself, towards others, and the world around you at the time. As I am anxiously awaiting to meet my daughter, my biggest question is--how is her heart?

For those of you who don’t know, at 18 weeks we learned that our little girl will have a heart defect requiring intervention and surgery. That initial conversation with the doctor was one of the scariest moments of my life as he spoke to me in terms I had never heard before and described something in my child that I didn’t understand.

20 weeks later and we have undergone so much growth as a family and I have undergone so much growth in both my understanding of our little girl and my understanding of my own strength as a mother. Hearts are incredible organs. They affect nearly every other parts of our body and soul. Even though I’ve usually regarded the heart in the emotional and personal wellness sense, now regarding the heart and all of its' physical capacities I am still believing it to be one of the most fascinating and telling things.

@jubileecollective

@jubileecollective

It is been a little over a month since we saw our little girls' heart. Because of her defect, we had more doctor visits and ultrasounds then usual. It has been absolutely incredible to see the four chambers and to learn about how they all work together and what needs repaired in our little girl. In these weeks that I have not seen her heart, I am starting to grow weary as I wonder just how her heart is. Our last visit brought a great prognosis that seems like our delivery and the weeks immediately after should be fairly “normal." We are hoping to be able to wait a few months before going into her tiny body and operating on that powerful organ. (She has a gap that has to be filled and a valve that needs to be strengthened.) The next time I will know how her heart is she will be laying next to me getting her first out-of-the-womb ultrasound. I am both excited and nervous for that moment.

With Emerson I got anxious towards the end of pregnancy, but I felt so peaceful about the 40+ weeks and the waiting each day to see when he would come. This time, I find myself working hard to fill my mind and my time so that I’m not dwelling on the upcoming moments over and over again.

There is absolutely uncertainty with every single birth, but there something different about knowing that you are waiting on information and answers that makes the waiting a little bit more profound. I’m ready for her. I’m ready to hold her and be assured that she is going to be fine and that she is going to be strong. I’m ready to see her heart again. I’m ready to see it working together and continuing to strengthen. I won’t rush anything, but I’m ready to see her perform things that perhaps others and even herself would be unsure are possible. I’m ready to see strength and every new lights that this new birth.

My sweet girl – for the mama you have already made me and for the perfect addition you will be for our family, I am ready for you.